real talk: grandpa's homegoing

I’ll be honest. Writing these doesn’t get any easier. Never did I think I would be writing a post like this during these unprecedented times. And I certainly didn’t think I’d be writing one so soon after Grandma’s passing. But I feel very strongly about sharing all aspects of life here, not just the sparkly ones. That, in addition to the current climate where some states are pushing to re-open too quickly [in my opinion], meant I had to share. 

It’s with a heavy heart that I share that Grandpa has passed away. I shared before how close my grandparents and I were, that one specifically with Grandma, and now I get to share some of my favorite memories with Grandpa.

During those weekend sleepovers I mentioned, I would wake up at the crack of dawn [why do kids wake up so early? I still don’t get it], and I’d harass a still sleeping Grandpa to play “Take Away.” [What is Take Away, you ask? Grandpa would give me subtraction problems, and I would solve them without pen and paper. Yes, all very nerdy, but are you even surprised?] And if it wasn’t subtraction it would be spelling problems. [My favorites were the words that sounded like they began with a “f-” but I knew were “ph-”.] And even though this was usually at around 7:30 AM on a Saturday, Grandpa would indulge me while slipping in some z’s in between my solving each problem.

But it didn’t stop on weekends. Grandpa also drove me to preschool everyday. The car ride to school, even though it was only about seven minutes long, was my favorite part of the morning routine. Grandpa listened to the same radio station every morning-1190 WLIB- and this station played the one song that we sang along to every morning. Even if we arrived within five or six minutes, as opposed to seven, we sat outside of school and waited for “my song,” as Grandpa dubbed it, to come on. In retrospect, I realize that I loved the song simply for its catchy tune and repetitive lyrics, but I never thought to wonder about who wrote the song or more importantly what it meant. The station played the first verse of the song  “You can get it if you really want” by Jimmy Cliff, one that continues to influence my journey to this very day. During my preschool graduation speech, I promised I’d make my family proud. I don’t remember any of this of course, but Grandpa would always bring it up- after my high school graduation, after my college graduation, when I landed my first job at Google, and so on. Through all of it he would remind me that I made him proud. 

While the last couple of days have been particularly hard for me, my aunt said something yesterday that really helped me feel better. She reminded me that even though Grandpa’s passing was unexpected, I can take comfort in knowing there was nothing left unsaid. And you know what, she is right. Grandpa knew how much I loved him. I told him all the time. Ever since Grandma left us I’d call him multiple times a week [sometimes we’d even speak multiple times in one day]-just catching up, or me helping him find an article online, or him calling to tell me he read something about fashion in the news. Whatever it was, Grandpa knew he could call me for whatever.

The last time I saw Grandpa in person was for my birthday dinner at my parents’ house. Even though it was my birthday, I gifted him a book, something I’d been doing increasingly more of since Grandma got sick. Shortly after, on one of our Facetime calls, I asked him what we should do to celebrate his birthday, exactly one month after mine. I told him he didn’t have to worry; I’d coordinate and plan out all the details. Little did we know that the shelter in place order, combined with the fact that Grandpa had a compromised immune system, meant the best thing to do was to postpone those plans. I just didn’t know we’d be postponing forever. 

Grandpa, 

I miss you so much. Love you always.

Give Grandma a kiss for me.

And I promise to make you proud.

Photo by Olia Gozha on Unsplash